The Mental Side of BDSM

*Shields eyes and squints* Wow - this is rather new... *shuffles uneasily, bites lip and holds hand out infront of me* are you sure that spotlight needs to be quite that bright???

Ah!! Hello there! *waves* I didn't see you for a minute, um, thanks for inviting me, I spill my thoughts here right? Well. Ok then! Welcome to my musings - and my first post for NNP. I thought this particular topic would perfect to explain where my ideas for my stories come from. Although it's a little something I wrote a while ago, this post is full of ideas and questions all gleaned from my experiences and research - so I believe it's still relevant now. Please do feel free to let me know what you think, I do so adore a good debate! So, here goes - the Mental side of BDSM.

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BDSM is all about pain right? A good whipping, spanking, flogging, lots of bruises and marks as a badge of honour? For some yes – but there’s more. Much more than just the focus on pain. Through my conversations with those in the lifestyle, I have come to realise that at the core of everything BDSM is the intense mental connection between partners. It’s funny really as my stories have been labelled as ‘soft BDSM‘ due to my focus on mainly the mental and emotional connections that are forged between my protagonists. I agree, whilst I do not write about hard pain, the mental and emotional power exchange between partners, is for me, a much more potent marker of what BDSM represents.

Power exchange happens every day in so called ‘vanilla’ life but it is seen as acceptable if it is even noticed at all. Bullies try to enforce their dominance on people without their consent, others dominate in more subtle ways, and naturally submissive people happily work away to the commands of others. When I realised I was one of these natural submissives a lot of questions about my happiness slotted into place. For example the jobs I’d found most difficult, most stressful, were the jobs where I had no one to please. Making decisions, giving orders and planning wasn’t the problem for me as I am a very organised person, but if I was just managing my own workload, I became unhappy, depressed almost. And then I realised what was happening. I went back to being a PA, and the more people I had to look after, going just that little bit further to make them happy – I was happy. Deliriously so. So where am I going with this line of thought? Dominance and submission within personalities isn’t essentially a sexual thing. It is a marker of our innate characteristics, it is only when we exaggerate these characteristics that the sexual boundaries are explored.

Quite often I feel that the first four terms of BDSM are forgotten in favour of the more glamorous, perhaps salacious and more gossip-worthy last two. Bondage and discipline. Dominance and submission. Where is the beating and whipping and bruising in that? Pain is involved in the Sadism and masochism. Just because pain isn’t involved does not devalue or nullify an experience. I’m not in the lifestyle 24/7. I do not profess to be – but I would point out that astrophysicists do not have to experience the affect of a black hole first hand to know what effects they cause. I observe. I research. I dream. I am a big believer in free choice and keeping your mind open, and through my research I have found that the powerful mental connections associated with bondage, discipline, Dominance and submission are so strong that I am amazed there is so little mainstream written about this.

I have a feeling this debate will carry on in many forms. Anything but pain and severe markings will be nay-sayed as true BDSM, and then there will be those who live a vanilla lifestyle who can’t understand why they don’t feel whole, why there’s something missing from their lives who suddenly find BDSM but can’t understand why it seems right but they don’t have the urge to whip or be whipped… What’s the answer? There is no easy answer – I just have a theory, the start of a theory, it appears to be the answer for me and I explore it in my writing. Some readers have said that what I describe is realistic, and I’ve been asked if I write from experience. Conversely, others have said what I write bears no resemblance to reality. All we can do is explore different perceptions of what the lifestyle means to each of us, and more importantly than anything, continue to learn. To educate others to the diversity of practices that constitute BDSM so that each person can safely find their way to what is right for them. Maybe one day a choice to participate in BDSM will be seen as a respectable life decision, not perceived as an underground, secret and sometimes feared lifestyle

Chit Chat and All That! Vanilla Sex in the 21st Century with Dawne Prochilo and Ken Charles

Today on Chit Chat and All That! we have the delightful duo, Dawne Prochilo (DP) and Ken Charles (KC) discussing Vanilla Sex in the 21st Century. 
So sit back, relax, grab your drink of choice and read on.

·     THE MARITAL BED

     KC--When is the last time you saw either a mattress ad or a furniture ad wherethe couple was looking at twin beds or mattresses? “Oh look, dear, that cutelittle table would look great between our beds.” When is the last time a tv show or movie that depicted a bedroom scene of a bonded couple showed twinbeds? The Dick Van Dyke Show hits 50 this year, but Rob and Laura Petrie’s bedroom is long a thing of the past. Sharing a bed is the norm for a couple,regardless of sexuality. So sharing a bed is “vanilla”.

DP--Is vanilla even a term we can use anymore? In the past (decades ago),vanilla erotic romance was unheard of- now it is used to describe (in myopinion) the Harlequin-esque sweet romances. No entering the bedroom for the'rough and tough' sex we all crave, just the insinuation. Harsh words anddialogue are left to the readers' imaginations whereas erotic romance invitesyou into the bedroom, offers you a seat to watch and uses the words we allcrave to hear, read and visualize.

KC--The “sweet romance” that you describe may be the last vestigial remains ofthe pre-Age of Aquarius mentality. ABC has a new television series set in theearly 1960‘s called “Pan Am”, about the adventures of stewardesses. In thesecond episode, a stewardess is sexually assaulted by a passenger, and pokeshim with a fork to defend herself. The stewardess is at fault. One of thepilots offers to “put her over my knee” to placate the irate customer. TitleVII isn’t around until 1967. The point is that the female didn’t know herplace. In the bedroom, that meant performing her “wifely duties”, laying thereuntil the male got off and got off. Since readers, for the most part, no longerexpect a woman to have “wifely duties”, the author needs to show that sexual relationsare a mutual give and take venture.

· THE MISSIONARY POSITION

KC-- The missionary position, by definition, is “vanilla”. But is it really? Oris it merely an arbitrary designation bestowed on cowardly writers like myselfwho are unwilling to take on James Michner’s immortal takes on the missionaryposition in Hawaii? Is it just more fun to write about doing it “Cowboy”?That’s not new. Look up the definition of “ride rantipole”.

DP--The actual act of intercourse/sex is bland when left to the missionary position. Mix it up...add some toys to enhance the foreplay...talk dirty... be spontaneous... role play.

If you prefer the act bland and predictable, then continue with the missionary position.


· ADDING ENHANCEMENTS

DP- Whether the man adds a 'blue pill' or the woman adds a battery operated toy, these additions were unheard of decades ago. You enjoyed what you weredealt and people frowned upon (or hid) the fact that the woman loved having avibrator being used in her. This was taboo whereas now, couples are more openwith the contributions that outside enhancers can add to the bedroom.

KC- It’s not so much that “enhancers” were unavailable heretofore, as thatthere has been a cultural shift that has allowed people to publicly acknowledgethem.

Males--Having crossed age fifty, I’m not the man I used to be. I’m losingmuscle mass and my testosterone production is dropping, and has been for years.So what? That’s not news. But now it acceptable to acknowledge that fact both“in the locker room” and in public. “Erectile Dysfunction” or “ED” cures are astaple for advertising on any sporting event. There is also a correspondingincrease in access to enhancers. One need no longer order from the classifiedads at the back of a girly magazine or an Adam & Eve catalog. Accordingly,there is no longer a stigma attached to using a male enhancer.

Females--We’ve crossed a new sexual Rubicon. There are TV ads for female sexualenhancers that make “that moment” all the more momentous. The word “orgasm” maystill be taboo, but at least we can acknowledge that women can derive pleasurefrom sex. You don’t have to consult with the pharmacist (that’s a chemist forthose of you who speak with British or Australian accents). You can just pickup the box off the shelf at the corner drugstore and take it straight to thecheckout counter.

Toys--Toys have been available from time immemorial. However, it is nowacceptable to admit to their use, and to encourage others to try them.

· So what is “vanilla” today?

KC-- “Vanilla” is not so much a course of action as it is a state of mind.“Vanilla” is limiting oneself to primal, instinctual intercourse for thepurpose of propagation--up, in, out. The same description is used by a localcar mechanic’s shop, and is almost as exciting. As soon as one opens up to theendless possibilities of prolonging, enhancing, and varying sexual interactionwith a partner, “vanilla” falls by the wayside.

DP- Vanilla by definition is a softer (soft-core) erotic where description isleft to the readers' imagination. Vanilla allows you to live partially throughthe characters but leaves out the harder core text, visuals andimplications.

JUST some this and that opinions of Vanilla in the 21^stCentury

·     On this site are lists some of the terminologyused to differentiate erotic vs vanilla (http://www.loveromancepassion.com/sexy-romance-verus-erotica-romance/ )

About BDSM/vanilla
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM

·     DP- As an avid romance reader in the 1980's andup to the present, I have seen the dialogue and phrases change as societybecomes more acceptable of 'showing' sex. In the public eye, some forms of sexualrelations are permissible while others are still taboo (ex. bdsm, glbt) but the'old' vanilla style of erotic writing is now such a passe form that people aredemanding more (more sex, more encounters with bdsm, etc)- so in my opinion,gone are the days of sweet vanilla romance, the general public are looking formore aggressive sexual moments in literature

·     KC- Attitudes have changed substantially overthe last thirty years. When I was ten, circa 1969, I tried to buy Vampirella #1(see my photos) at a 7-11. The lady at the counter wouldn't sell that"filth" to a child. The clerk that came on after her did not shareher reservations.

DP- Prudes are alive and well now still butthe main focus is same sex relationships but contradicting that statement - samesex, glbt sales are number one across the board with all erotic rom pubs-explain how that is? Closet readers? The advance technology of nooks, kindlesthat offer anonymous purchases? Yes, I believe so. The ones scorning theloudest are probably the biggest readers.

KC- Undoubtedly, the fact that one does nothave to go into the back room at a news stand, or one of "those"stores to pick up erotica has helped substantially.

·      DP-Discretion is the key word here- I, myself, never read erotic until the lastfew years- unless you count VC Andrews in on that- incest? Yes... attractive tothe young girl's mind...absolutely. But she wrote the scenes in such a way thatpeople overlooked it- but now, incest is one of the 7 taboos (as I Like to callthem) that pubs refuse to even look at. So was VC Andrews onto something earlythat we are all now just realizing? Interesting argument- one that I did myEnglish/Literature thesis on for my college degree- raised some eyebrows in2004 with that one.

 Links- 

Ken Charles

    www.charliekenmore.blogspot.com
kencharles925@gmail.com
Earth Angel by my fanciful alter ego Charlie Kenmore:
http://www.amazon.com/Earth-Angel-ebook/dp/B005KMQAA2/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1315450669&sr=1-1

Seven Realms Earthside Communications Center

www.charliekenmore.blogspot.com

Dawne Prochilo

http://dawneprochilo.blogspot.com/

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dawne-Prochilo-Erotic-Romance-Author-Sex-Advice-Writer/111351808934539

Next weeks Chit Chat and All That! will see the wickedly devilish delights of Cassandre Dayne and Abby Hayes discuss the difference between Sex Play and Scene Play today.

Remember we always appreciate comments!