Today we have the most delicious Chit Chat and All That! going on. The sexy wicked woman of the web, Cassandre Dayne chats with the ever sexy stud of AfterDark Online, Ray Sostre *drool*
Oh yes that's right I'm introducing today's Chit Chat, sorry got side tracked for a minute there.
Well to those who are just waking, get that cuppa and make yourself comfy, for those who are just getting home after a hard day of work, pour that icy cold drink and I'll just fan myself off here *giggles*
POLYAMORY
RELATIONSHIPS – COULD YOU HANDLE MORE THAN ONE?
Cassandre
Dayne & Ray Sostre
We’ve all talked about ménage before and
it’s a hot topic to write and read about. Generally the sizzling moment is
considered either a one time or playtime event. It’s merely a fantasy. Right?
What if you were determined to live the lifestyle sharing your home and your
bed with more than one person? That’s something in our society called a
polyamory relationship. Just what is a polyamory relationship? It’s defined as
the practice, desire or acceptance of having more than one intimate
relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. In
other words this can mean three people sharing an intimate relationship or more
– sometimes couples are involved. Often the group lives together sharing not
only their physical and emotional passions but their basic every day lives as
well. Sometimes marriage is involved with a third person not being legally
joined but often times this is not the case.
People who identify themselves as
polyamorous generally reject the viewpoint that sexual and relationship
exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed, long term loving relationships.
Quite frankly sex is not necessarily a focus in these types of situations. This
is more about loving the lifestyle of sharing your life, your families and
responsibilities.There are many factions and cultural diversities of this
lifestyle that include men and women engaging in BDSM, Modern Tantra and
Neo-Pagans. It think Ray and I are going to touch on two aspects today
including a loving relationship that perhaps isn’t focused on sex and one in
the BDSM lifestyle. While this isn’t for everyone keep an open mind. Think of
this – as of 2009 there were over 500,000 of these relationships recorded.
Imagine today.
Let’s talk about
respective roles played
Cassandre:
I think that I find it fascinating with any couple who takes more of the
lead. Often times in modern society home and life including bills are
considered shared but we all know that when push comes to shove on member is
more in charge. For me I would think it would be an incredible dichotomy
sharing this aspect with a third person.
Ray: It could be interesting, I mean what’s more than having
to talk with just the same person about your day at work or other issues. But
there’s a drawback of dealing with numerous emotions, issues, and having a real
piece of mind is the most important thing in any relationship. While it is
great to have that type of relationship, there’s nothing like having a piece of
mind with one person rather than a number of people.
Cassandre:
I can understand that too but I think for people who are so busy in
their lives this would help and also being a woman who can love more than one
person – meaning I don’t believe in the idea there is just one single person in
the world for you – then I can see this. I really think the highest form of
trust, respect and communication is needed however.
Ray: If there is an understanding, sure, but how can they
assure trust and respect with a number that is far below 1% of the world’s
population? While communication is the key to happiness, I wonder if the
individual can remain happy even if they are not always or just not the first
choice in the relationship.
The regard to sex and
jealousy:
Cassandre:
From what I’ve read about these relationships the members are simply not
the jealous type. They are much more interested in learning, sharing and
growing as a group than any concept of competing. I’m kind of curious if there are
more situations where two women and one man is involved as this seems to be
tolerated not only more in our society but also with regard to men. I’ll ask
you Ray – could you consider having another man with your woman if all the
parties agreed and wanted this?
Ray: Not really. There are insecurity issues to overcome and
it all goes with the degree of tolerance. I couldn’t just say that it’s okay if
I another man touch my woman. I’m unsure if I can handle the aftermath. Aside
from me, there is always that question of trust in mind from another
individual.
Cassandre: I honestly wonder why so many men
still consider two women in an event or in a lifestyle is okay versus two men.
What’s the difference? The hunter and gatherer syndrome? It’s time for the cave
man bit to be over with in my opinion. Women can be petty as can be but men are
closet cases. Really is a fascinating bit. Not sure how to change it however
given our rather closed society.
Ray: In a man’s world it’s about what is socially acceptable.
It’s like saying women are allowed to show their emotions and men can’t. As to
why there aren’t any relationship situations where a woman can love two men at
the same time is unanswerable. Maybe there is a relationship like that, but in
a man’s world a relationship like that would be considered the alpha-dog and
the omega-dog. There is always one that is dominant than the other.
With regard to children:
Cassandre:
I would think this type of relationship could be potentially wonderful
and damning when children are involved. The wonderful aspect is that if the
group is very nurturing there is more of a chance of the children having more
love and attention but we know how society is – if there’s something odd about
any kid or their parents the poor child is often tormented. I know that there
are literally towns that practice this and encourage – do you think if children
are involved that the groups should choose to seek out these villages?
Ray: Good question, I have nothing against that idea of
seeking a community where that lifestyle is accepted. While I believe it could
help the child be raised with that kind of understanding, I have to think about
the future when the child grows up and goes into a world where that particular
lifestyle is frowned upon. But I can’t argue this point much, because in my
personal experience I have gone to school with children that were raised by
same-sex parents; they never turned out to have issues, nor turned out gay as
many expected. The best part was the kind of understanding the kind of world
and with proper guidance and nurturing, I believe the child(ren) can go far in
life.
Cassandre:
I agree with you and I would honestly hate for folks sharing this life
to be segregated because I fear this will force more aspects of segregation
instead of nurturing togetherness and love.
Ray: No further comment here.
BDSM – In talking with
many Dom’s I know that is a consideration many times. Let’s talk about how
that’s handled.
Cassandre:
I have talked to several Dom’s who would engage in this scenario.
They’ve told me flat out that they would talk to their slave or sub about this
and certainly when you engage in this lifestyle you as a sub MUST ask these
questions before deciding that you want to be a part of this situation because
from what I understand while there is typically a main sub the other is brought
in with some frequency and sometimes lives with the couple.
Ray: While I have vey little knowledge upon that particular
lifestyle (D/s & S/s), I would have to agree with Cassandre there.
Cassandre:
I mentioned this to my Dom friend the other day and he reminded me
however than even in slave situations there is love and passion and the thought
of being shared is very similar to any more vanilla relationship. I would love
to talk with more Dom’s and Domme’s so really see their feelings. Would you
ever consider something of this nature Ray?
Ray: I am willing to take understanding on how their world
works, but would I consider that lifestyle? No. Although, I wouldn’t mind interviewing
a couple who lives that kind of lifestyle.
Legal Status – should this be
legalized as a form of marriage?
Cassandre:
I think that’s a wonderful thought and I know that many experts consider
this the next sexual revolution but I hate to say it – we can’t get states to
recognize homosexual relationships so I highly doubt in our lifetime this will
happen.
Ray: I couldn’t agree more. In fact, who are we to legislate
morality? We can legislate behavior, like making sure we aren’t hurting people
physically or creating a health risk towards other, but we can’t legislate the
choices of individuals. I don’t know about other countries, but in the American
society there are a lot of prudes in public and lots of freaks in private.
Neither you and I would ever see that happening, we’re lucky to see gay
marriage legalized in all 50 states, but how soon could that be? Think of the
lengths the Mormon religion had to go through to be accepted in the American
society, and today they are still look down as a cult. While I may not practice
the lifestyle, I wouldn’t want judge any man or woman that choose that
lifestyle, but in the U.S. I believe there should be some civil law to protect
them.
Cassandre:
And I think we’re going to see more fighting in this area but the tides
will tell as far as whether legal marriages are still accepted in other
sections of the United States. It’s interesting – in other countries such as
Sweden and Denmark sex is so highly revered that these relationships can be
found in clubs on the street. I would find it fascinating to go there.
Ray: What is wrong with the American society is that they
believe sheltering people from adult realities and situations would benefit
them, when actually it’s the opposite. If we are a free society, why do so many
people in the United States feel so ashamed to discuss these topics?
There are many values
held high in these relationships including fidelity and trust, setting
boundaries and communication. What do you think is most important?
Cassandre:
I don’t think there’s one thing. If you are truly considering entering
into this in any form whether for play time with your partner and a trusted
friend or for a D/s situation or a non traditional life in situation I think
you have to be completely honest and open and set boundaries. This for me
wouldn’t be about a free for all with sex but a committed arrangement with very
strong emotional bonds. There is not difference for me than a marriage in that
there are rules and has to be excellent communication.
Ray: One word, trust. Without trust, there’s no loyalty. In
this kind of relationship, there has to be a mental trust, meaning you are
readily available to handle the seriousness of the relationship; along with
emotional trust, the most important, because you WILL go through moments of not
being the center of attention at times, and there are issues to overcome like
jealousy and insecurity. Lastly, there’s financial trust. No matter, how good
you are as a person or in bed, everyone needs a reliable individual to survive.
Cassandre:
That’s a really good point you bring out about financial trust. Given
our state of the economy the last thing we need are more fights in the court
systems about couples trying to gain custody or deal with money issues. I’m not
sure how that can be handled. But trust all the way around is so necessary.
Ray: It all boils down to the morality of the individual, not
the people. I can only advise that the person will need to find someone they
can definitely trust.
What do you feel might
be the biggest hurdle to surpass when deciding on this type of relationship?
Cassandre:
I think you would have two – one would be a possessive person in the
relationship who wants all the attention the other would be the cause and
effect of society and how you’re viewed and handled. Quite frankly we have so
many bigots of all levels in this country and I suspect in the world that being
different could cost you most than just your family and friends.
Ray: I would say in a male’s perspective financial. It’s good
to have a practical person in your life and two or maybe more practical people
are great, but when there are kids involve it has to be financial. I always
asked myself, how are they going to come up with the means to provide. I’m not saying
women are expensive, but living your life that way has to be. I’ve been with my
girlfriend for almost seven years and I have to come up with ways to provide
for her and I. I could imagine what a polyamorous couple goes through.
Cassandre: Interesting – given something you
said earlier I honestly would think for men it would be the level of intimacy
but it’s a very valid point. For me I also think that if it’s a D/s situation
there would be a dichotomy of the two women. I would find that rather daunting.
Ray: Well, in a polyamorous relationship there has be
leadership involve too, because you have to not only work with your primary
wife or girlfriend, but you work around the needs of others. It’s not so easy
as it is seen. What others view on television is fantasy. In reality, you have
to be built mentally for this. Let’s never confuse polyamory to a threesome.
Threesome can last for one night; polyamory is a whole different ballgame.
I think both
Ray and I have made some interesting points. The lifestyle certainly isn’t for
everyone but I think you can see there are positive and potentially negative
aspects about engaging but it’s for me personally I enjoy the possibilities. As
always there are societies you can talk to and join and forums to find out more
information.
Thank you for
being a part and we’d love to hear any feedback.
The Naughty Nights
Press (NNP) team takes great pleasure in announcing a new member to our
team, Ms. Tessa Wanton. As the Assistant to the Director of Marketing and
Research, Penny Peterssen, Tessa comes to us very qualified in the role of
marketing and promotions. Tessa has a
lot of wonderful ideas she will be looking into to help promote our authors and
NNP to a wider circle. 
Tessa Wanton had her very first book, The Training of Tess, published by Naughty Nights Press in August of
2011. The Training of Tess was met to rave reviews, garnering anywhere from a 4
to 5 star rating on some blogs.
