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Monday, November 28, 2011

Chit Chat and All That! with Cassandre Dayne and Ray Sostre...Polyamory Relationships


Today we have the most delicious Chit Chat and All That! going on. The sexy wicked woman of the web, Cassandre Dayne chats with the ever sexy stud of AfterDark Online, Ray Sostre *drool* 
Oh yes that's right I'm introducing today's Chit Chat, sorry got side tracked for a minute there.
Well to those who are just waking, get that cuppa and make yourself comfy, for those who are just getting home after a hard day of work, pour that icy cold drink and I'll just fan myself off here *giggles*


POLYAMORY RELATIONSHIPS – COULD YOU HANDLE MORE THAN ONE? 
Cassandre Dayne & Ray Sostre

     We’ve all talked about ménage before and it’s a hot topic to write and read about. Generally the sizzling moment is considered either a one time or playtime event. It’s merely a fantasy. Right? What if you were determined to live the lifestyle sharing your home and your bed with more than one person? That’s something in our society called a polyamory relationship. Just what is a polyamory relationship? It’s defined as the practice, desire or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. In other words this can mean three people sharing an intimate relationship or more – sometimes couples are involved. Often the group lives together sharing not only their physical and emotional passions but their basic every day lives as well. Sometimes marriage is involved with a third person not being legally joined but often times this is not the case.

      People who identify themselves as polyamorous generally reject the viewpoint that sexual and relationship exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed, long term loving relationships. Quite frankly sex is not necessarily a focus in these types of situations. This is more about loving the lifestyle of sharing your life, your families and responsibilities.There are many factions and cultural diversities of this lifestyle that include men and women engaging in BDSM, Modern Tantra and Neo-Pagans. It think Ray and I are going to touch on two aspects today including a loving relationship that perhaps isn’t focused on sex and one in the BDSM lifestyle. While this isn’t for everyone keep an open mind. Think of this – as of 2009 there were over 500,000 of these relationships recorded. Imagine today.

    
Let’s talk about respective roles played
Cassandre:  I think that I find it fascinating with any couple who takes more of the lead. Often times in modern society home and life including bills are considered shared but we all know that when push comes to shove on member is more in charge. For me I would think it would be an incredible dichotomy sharing this aspect with a third person.

Ray: It could be interesting, I mean what’s more than having to talk with just the same person about your day at work or other issues. But there’s a drawback of dealing with numerous emotions, issues, and having a real piece of mind is the most important thing in any relationship. While it is great to have that type of relationship, there’s nothing like having a piece of mind with one person rather than a number of people.

Cassandre:  I can understand that too but I think for people who are so busy in their lives this would help and also being a woman who can love more than one person – meaning I don’t believe in the idea there is just one single person in the world for you – then I can see this. I really think the highest form of trust, respect and communication is needed however.

Ray: If there is an understanding, sure, but how can they assure trust and respect with a number that is far below 1% of the world’s population? While communication is the key to happiness, I wonder if the individual can remain happy even if they are not always or just not the first choice in the relationship.

The regard to sex and jealousy:

Cassandre:  From what I’ve read about these relationships the members are simply not the jealous type. They are much more interested in learning, sharing and growing as a group than any concept of competing. I’m kind of curious if there are more situations where two women and one man is involved as this seems to be tolerated not only more in our society but also with regard to men. I’ll ask you Ray – could you consider having another man with your woman if all the parties agreed and wanted this?

Ray: Not really. There are insecurity issues to overcome and it all goes with the degree of tolerance. I couldn’t just say that it’s okay if I another man touch my woman. I’m unsure if I can handle the aftermath. Aside from me, there is always that question of trust in mind from another individual.

Cassandre: I honestly wonder why so many men still consider two women in an event or in a lifestyle is okay versus two men. What’s the difference? The hunter and gatherer syndrome? It’s time for the cave man bit to be over with in my opinion. Women can be petty as can be but men are closet cases. Really is a fascinating bit. Not sure how to change it however given our rather closed society.

Ray: In a man’s world it’s about what is socially acceptable. It’s like saying women are allowed to show their emotions and men can’t. As to why there aren’t any relationship situations where a woman can love two men at the same time is unanswerable. Maybe there is a relationship like that, but in a man’s world a relationship like that would be considered the alpha-dog and the omega-dog. There is always one that is dominant than the other.


With regard to children:

Cassandre:  I would think this type of relationship could be potentially wonderful and damning when children are involved. The wonderful aspect is that if the group is very nurturing there is more of a chance of the children having more love and attention but we know how society is – if there’s something odd about any kid or their parents the poor child is often tormented. I know that there are literally towns that practice this and encourage – do you think if children are involved that the groups should choose to seek out these villages?

Ray: Good question, I have nothing against that idea of seeking a community where that lifestyle is accepted. While I believe it could help the child be raised with that kind of understanding, I have to think about the future when the child grows up and goes into a world where that particular lifestyle is frowned upon. But I can’t argue this point much, because in my personal experience I have gone to school with children that were raised by same-sex parents; they never turned out to have issues, nor turned out gay as many expected. The best part was the kind of understanding the kind of world and with proper guidance and nurturing, I believe the child(ren) can go far in life.

Cassandre:  I agree with you and I would honestly hate for folks sharing this life to be segregated because I fear this will force more aspects of segregation instead of nurturing togetherness and love.

Ray: No further comment here.

BDSM – In talking with many Dom’s I know that is a consideration many times. Let’s talk about how that’s handled.
Cassandre:  I have talked to several Dom’s who would engage in this scenario. They’ve told me flat out that they would talk to their slave or sub about this and certainly when you engage in this lifestyle you as a sub MUST ask these questions before deciding that you want to be a part of this situation because from what I understand while there is typically a main sub the other is brought in with some frequency and sometimes lives with the couple.

Ray: While I have vey little knowledge upon that particular lifestyle (D/s & S/s), I would have to agree with Cassandre there.

Cassandre:  I mentioned this to my Dom friend the other day and he reminded me however than even in slave situations there is love and passion and the thought of being shared is very similar to any more vanilla relationship. I would love to talk with more Dom’s and Domme’s so really see their feelings. Would you ever consider something of this nature Ray?

Ray: I am willing to take understanding on how their world works, but would I consider that lifestyle? No. Although, I wouldn’t mind interviewing a couple who lives that kind of lifestyle.


Legal Status – should this be legalized as a form of marriage?

Cassandre:  I think that’s a wonderful thought and I know that many experts consider this the next sexual revolution but I hate to say it – we can’t get states to recognize homosexual relationships so I highly doubt in our lifetime this will happen.

Ray: I couldn’t agree more. In fact, who are we to legislate morality? We can legislate behavior, like making sure we aren’t hurting people physically or creating a health risk towards other, but we can’t legislate the choices of individuals. I don’t know about other countries, but in the American society there are a lot of prudes in public and lots of freaks in private. Neither you and I would ever see that happening, we’re lucky to see gay marriage legalized in all 50 states, but how soon could that be? Think of the lengths the Mormon religion had to go through to be accepted in the American society, and today they are still look down as a cult. While I may not practice the lifestyle, I wouldn’t want judge any man or woman that choose that lifestyle, but in the U.S. I believe there should be some civil law to protect them.

Cassandre:  And I think we’re going to see more fighting in this area but the tides will tell as far as whether legal marriages are still accepted in other sections of the United States. It’s interesting – in other countries such as Sweden and Denmark sex is so highly revered that these relationships can be found in clubs on the street. I would find it fascinating to go there.

Ray: What is wrong with the American society is that they believe sheltering people from adult realities and situations would benefit them, when actually it’s the opposite. If we are a free society, why do so many people in the United States feel so ashamed to discuss these topics?

There are many values held high in these relationships including fidelity and trust, setting boundaries and communication. What do you think is most important?
Cassandre:  I don’t think there’s one thing. If you are truly considering entering into this in any form whether for play time with your partner and a trusted friend or for a D/s situation or a non traditional life in situation I think you have to be completely honest and open and set boundaries. This for me wouldn’t be about a free for all with sex but a committed arrangement with very strong emotional bonds. There is not difference for me than a marriage in that there are rules and has to be excellent communication.

Ray: One word, trust. Without trust, there’s no loyalty. In this kind of relationship, there has to be a mental trust, meaning you are readily available to handle the seriousness of the relationship; along with emotional trust, the most important, because you WILL go through moments of not being the center of attention at times, and there are issues to overcome like jealousy and insecurity. Lastly, there’s financial trust. No matter, how good you are as a person or in bed, everyone needs a reliable individual to survive.

Cassandre:  That’s a really good point you bring out about financial trust. Given our state of the economy the last thing we need are more fights in the court systems about couples trying to gain custody or deal with money issues. I’m not sure how that can be handled. But trust all the way around is so necessary.

Ray: It all boils down to the morality of the individual, not the people. I can only advise that the person will need to find someone they can definitely trust.

What do you feel might be the biggest hurdle to surpass when deciding on this type of relationship?
Cassandre:  I think you would have two – one would be a possessive person in the relationship who wants all the attention the other would be the cause and effect of society and how you’re viewed and handled. Quite frankly we have so many bigots of all levels in this country and I suspect in the world that being different could cost you most than just your family and friends.

Ray: I would say in a male’s perspective financial. It’s good to have a practical person in your life and two or maybe more practical people are great, but when there are kids involve it has to be financial. I always asked myself, how are they going to come up with the means to provide. I’m not saying women are expensive, but living your life that way has to be. I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost seven years and I have to come up with ways to provide for her and I. I could imagine what a polyamorous couple goes through.

Cassandre: Interesting – given something you said earlier I honestly would think for men it would be the level of intimacy but it’s a very valid point. For me I also think that if it’s a D/s situation there would be a dichotomy of the two women. I would find that rather daunting.

Ray: Well, in a polyamorous relationship there has be leadership involve too, because you have to not only work with your primary wife or girlfriend, but you work around the needs of others. It’s not so easy as it is seen. What others view on television is fantasy. In reality, you have to be built mentally for this. Let’s never confuse polyamory to a threesome. Threesome can last for one night; polyamory is a whole different ballgame.

I think both Ray and I have made some interesting points. The lifestyle certainly isn’t for everyone but I think you can see there are positive and potentially negative aspects about engaging but it’s for me personally I enjoy the possibilities. As always there are societies you can talk to and join and forums to find out more information.

Thank you for being a part and we’d love to hear any feedback.

6 comments:

  1. Crikey you two really went into totally fascinating depth on this, so many points and opinions well explored, and you have my mind going overtime now! I can understand how old fashioned jealousy comes into the equation, but so many other things too! Brilliant chit chat, I hope you two get to debate another topic together soon :-)

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  2. It was a challenging topic for me, but I had fun. So I have to thank Cassandre Dayne in keeping the flow going.

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  3. Awe Ray - wouldn't have been nearly as much fun if you and I hadn't really talked! Loved working with you!

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  4. Great Chit Chat! Having actually known someone who was in one of these relationships, I think my viewpoint is tainted a bit, but of course theirs was entered into and executed poorly - they could have done well to have such a thorough discussion to read!

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  5. I liked the opposing contrasts between Cassandre and Ray. Well done discussion about polyamory relationships. I was a friend of three men who had this type of relationship until a few years ago, when one died. In public they appeared to be close, friendly and share their lives equally. But I think when they were in their own nest of home, their was much conflict. After the death of their partner, the entire relationship fell apart with bad emotions. I'm sure they worked together happily initially.

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  6. Great post Cass and Ray! A lot of great points!

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