Chit Chat and All That!
The Similarities
and Differences Between Straight and Gay Relationships in Real Life and Fiction
with
Julez S Morbius, Pablo Michaels, and Sharita Lira writing as BLMorticia
We decided to make this more of a conversation than an
article. I found this to be very enlightening to talk with Julez and Pablo
about this subject as we all strive to make our stories believable even though
two of us can only identify with being gay in our stories.
Pablo gives great points as well since he has
been committed to his partner for several years. He also speaks about writing
hetero sex even though he hasn’t had the experience firsthand.
BL: So we are to talk
about the differences between het and gay sex. I’d like to do a different
angle on this. Yes we can talk about the facts of how it feels but also how it
affects our writing.
Yes
the same feelings and emotions are used in both but when we cross, that would
be me, into writing what we don't know, how will we handle it?
Julez,
I'd like to know if you can add some thoughts on transgender writing as well. I
recall you saying you hadn't experienced it but loved writing it. How do you
translate what you havent done into making the stories believable?
Julez: Being
fundamentally straight, I’ve never been with any sex other than a woman, I
prefer to write transgender and, on some occasions, gay male because I think it
is more of a challenge. Writing what we don't know makes us more cautious
and therefore a lot more precise in the detail and description.
Regarding
transgender writing I believe that the same rules occur as for all genres, but
what I’ve read in the past portrays the transsexual as just a sex object to be
used and that's wrong. Transgender people are people after all and should be
afforded the same respect as any other gender, whether straight, gay, lesbian
or bi. They also have feelings and emotions and they should be portrayed as
such.
Writing
sex scenes is also not much different, except the obvious. And as long as that’s
remembered it’s easy to make a scene flow just like any other. For instance if
the scene is between a trans woman and a man it has to be written more as a gay
male scene when describing the oral and penetration and if it’s a woman and a
trans female, the scene is more lesbian until the actual trans penetrates the
woman and then it becomes almost like a hetero scene.
BL: Awesome explanation Julez. I agree with everything you said.
I
especially agree with the part about being more precise when it comes to
writing something you haven't experienced. I have to admit, my gay male sex
mind thinks of porn. *laughs* But what I added to it was more emotion instead
of just the fucking. More romanticism. When I did the sex parts I asked Ike
Rose, another gay writer, to read one of them. One of the things he told me is
gay men don’t always fuck right away when they get together unless it’s a one
nighter.
That
is the biggest misconception I'd think, right Pablo?
People
think gay men cannot be in relationships without fucking or
being promiscuous. I recall sending one of my stories to my writers list
for critique and someone told me it was unrealistic for me to think a gay man
was holding out to be with one man.
How
is that? I mean, there are gay whores and het whores. In all truth, when I wasn’t
married I had more than my share of sex experiences and really didn't care what
people thought of it. Of course I was cautious but I loved having sex.
What
about gay men? I mean, they can be in and out of people’s beds and or committed.
Ike has
been with his man 29 years. It can happen.
Julez: Excellent point BL. Romanticism
is just as important whether the couple are in a gay, hetero and even trans
relationship. With just sex there isn't a relationship at all, and sex is also
no way to build a relationship. You may have the greatest sex partner ever but
without the extra little things like love, respect, romance, honesty and
faithfulness a relationship will crash and burn very rapidly, and sometimes
there is too much misconception that same sex partners can't have a loving
relationship, which of course they can and many do. Hell Gay and trans
relationships can sometimes be a hell of a lot stronger than hetero ones due to
bigotry, hatred and homophobia that is faced because all the negatives faced
pull couples together.
BL:
So true Julez. Let’s see what Pablo thinks!
Pablo: Speaking as an active gay man,
I think most gay men are very romantic waiting for Mr. Right or the knight in
shining armor to come into their lives. In the late sixties and seventies I
experienced monogamous relationships with men I loved. I also was quite
promiscuous when not in a relationship. As I got older I couldn't jump into bed
with a man the first night or even the first week. Although when I met Mike, he
was more persistent about having sex on our initial dates, but I held back for
a couple of weeks. We’ve been together for fifteen years and our love keeps
growing. We are both hopeless romantics.
BL, you have brought up a very
good point about writing. I think Julez did an excellent job in writing about
transgender emotions. We all write about something we're not very versed in at
times. We either learn by experience or vicariously through other people's
lives. The important thing to remember is that we learn as we write. Personally
I don't have much real life experience with heterosexual sex, but I dabbled
with it a small amount in my novel. I based my scenes on what I learned through
reading other author's writing. The important thing to do is research and learn
as we go.
I agree Julez; you have to
treat your characters with true human, natural emotions. People usually are not
sex objects unless they want their lives to be only that. My second lover in
the early 70's was a psychologist who counseled primarily gay and transgender
people. He had one patient who became a woman who coupled with another
transgender female. It was a very different type of relationship. Transgenders
suffer more from discrimination and commit suicide more frequently than any
other sexual lifestyle. They have emotions which most people do not recognize
as being unique.
BL: So many great points Pablo. I wasn’t aware that transgendered people
have a higher rate of suicide. That’s awesome about you and your partner too. I
appreciate your frankness. So true about reading and learning. Each book should
teach you something especially in areas you’re not well versed in to bring more
reality to your stories.
Julez: I agree about reading as well. I myself never thought
I would find writing gay and trans stories more satisfying than if I stayed
within my comfort zone, until I actually began reading in those genres. Now I
only read hetero stories very rarely as my aim is to bring trans stories up to
the popularity level of het and gay ones.
BL: I agree with everything you've said
Julez! That's the reason why I write it. What’s
more romantic than watching a couple get through all the prejudices and the
stereotypes and fall in love? That to me is hotter than just the sexual element
anyway. The sex is the icing on the cake.
Pablo,
I agree with that as well. Are we learning from what we write? With each
story, I'd like to delve deeper into the emotions of what 2 men face when
falling in love. For that reason, I've started reading articles and books that
deal with coming out to peers and family, getting help when they feel lost,
etc.
The
sex is the last part but as I staed about what Ike said, that’s a learning
process as well. The emotional and romantic aspects to me are most important.
You'll never see me writing a story without it. If I wanted just pure sex with
no emotion, there are plenty of m/m books out there with that.
I’m
not the one that wants to read or write that. I believe a man can be as sensual
as a woman, and not just a gay man.
In
writing, you have to convey their feelings, make the reader feel what your MCs
are feeling. That’s what I try to do, whether in gay or straight writing!
Pablo:
I'd like to throw out a subject
relating to our partnership. Do you think LGBT writers have an advantage in
their genre of writing? Can they express more from their personal
experiences and personify their characters more closely with emotions and
understanding? What about the experiences in the workplace?
BL: I think LGBT writers have a
slight advantage yes in mostly the, how it feels, department. Meaning sex
itself. However, I believe I can convey the romance and emotion between two men
just as well as a gay man. My thing is, I believe that both males and females
can be romantic and sensual. Every person displays those emotions differently
too.
Julez:
I think yes possibly LGBT
writers do have an advantage if they are in the type of relationship they write
about, but as you may know by now I’ve always been hetero, just in the last 3-4
years becoming bi-curious, yet I really prefer to write the gay or trans
stories for the romance and passion.
Pablo:
I enjoy
reading most genres but I must confess that I have had little time to read. I
have books that I have not opened and promises to buy others.
Julez: Unfortunately
I’m not in the right position to say much about orientation in the workplace as
, due to my partial disability, I don't actually go out to work anymore.
However
when I did it was a 'macho' work environment if you will and sex was only
talked about in the hetero sense as everyone was either het or in a het
relationship.
Pablo: Thanks for your interest. I came out openly after too
many years of suppressing who I was. In my first years working and out, I did
not hide my sexuality. I wouldn't get the meat and potatoes from people I
worked with. I dated customers and had a fabulous time. During my last long
term work, I was put in shipping and receiving with a straight manager and
assistant who were from New York City totally biased against LGBT people. There
was one other flamboyant gay man in our department when the whole store was
flooded with gay people and lesbians I did not hide who I was as far as being
gay in a hostile environment. The others saw how much good work I performed and
learned to accept me for my sexual orientation. We all worked hard without any
rewards and we partied after work together. They came to respect me, maybe
because I picked up their ways of communication while the other gay people in
the store frowned upon me and them. We had nick names for each other. Mine was
chili dog because I put my dog where the chili came out. I went along with this
and did not have sex with anyone I worked with but tried to keep friendly with
the other gay and lesbian workers. They all supported my endeavors in writing.
Unfortunately my closest friends from that time died when their lives were
young. I felt I made a statement about how being open as gay made a difference
to other men and women.
BL: That’s so an awesome thing
Pablo that you made a difference in your workplace. In my experiences being in
the workforce, I had very little gay coworkers. At my last job, my boss was
openly gay and very cool. He didn’t talk much about his relationships. I also
had a lesbian coworker who was quite frank about her experiences which I liked.
What better knowledge on a subject than to hear it from someone first hand.
In conclusion, we have looked
at our own experiences and tied them into our writing. We’ve learned that even
though people who are of the gay community may have the upper hand when
creating a gay story, we, as mostly hetero people like myself and Julez can
still be spot on with our writing as long as we learn from it.
This discussion shows that even
though we are different, a mostly hetero man and woman and a gay man who’s
fully committed to his partner of 15 years, we all agree about the romanticism
and sensuality. We all agree that commitments and promiscuity can be reality
for gay and straight individuals and despite the obvious differences; we are
still one and the same when it comes to love.
Unreal right?
Thanks for listening.
