Well now, welcome to our inaugural Chit Chat and All That! post, with
Raymond and Tessa will be chatting today about how do you introduce someone to a D/s lifestyle when either or both have no experience. and what is the best way to entice your partner to try something different in the bedroom.
While you might not see this as a big deal, it is a question that has come up from time to time: when the time comes to push your bedroom and/or lifestyle experience beyond the point of vanilla, how do you introduce BDSM to someone who has no real experience?
I’ve been there; you’ve been there—okay, maybe you haven’t been there, but I have. I’ve had those feelings well up, the ones that are whispering, “Yes, I want to see (insert name of person) on their knees so I can (insert name of what you’ve got in mind).” And if you’re already an experienced dominant or submissive you know the drill, you know the positions, you know what is coming.
It’s when you’re with someone who’s never been there that you start wondering how to breach the question, “Sweetie, instead of just climbing into bed tonight and doing it, would you be interested in latex stockings and a vibrating butt plug?”
So, after exhaustive research (aka, chatting on the Internet), what conclusions have the Lovely Tessa and myself come to in regards to introducing BDSM to a virginal bedroom?
It’s really somewhat easier than you might think.
You’re sweet Raymond – Lovely Tessa – you’re distracting me from the topic in hand... First up!!!!
You gotta have communications.
This is important in every relationship, but if you’re going to start trying things with your partner that either you or they or neither have tried before, then ya gotta talk about it! If you’re going to bring something new into your lives, then having a frank and detailed discussion about what you have in mind should be first up on the agenda.
Face it: so much of what happens in any relationship gets screwed by not talking. So if your everyday Missionary Position-style relationship is dangling over the abyss of demise because you can’t discuss the reasons why getting to orgasm isn’t as much fun these days, you’re going to have a hell of a time bringing up something like a good spanking.
You gotta talk, and be open about it. And maybe the talk isn’t the “I would love for you to stand naked in the kitchen with your arms and legs bound while I rub EVOO all over your body,” one you were thinking about when you woke up—maybe it’s more along the lines of “I would love to kneel down and kiss your feet when I come home from work every day” discussion you’ve considering for weeks. You gotta open up. You’re never gonna get to
if you won’t talk with someone about that trip.
And we’re definitely not saying that it is easy, are we? I know myself that introducing kink can be near impossible. Sometimes you have to face facts that your partner may just be 100% Vanilla. Is that a bad thing? Not really, in my case it means I have to take precautions like hiding in another room whilst my Fiancé is reading my manuscripts for fear of seeing horror on his face. *Laughs* That segues so beautifully into...
Second, you gotta keep an open mind.
I have a friend. We chat a lot online, and a lot of likes and dislikes have gone back and forth during our conversations. In the course of our discussin’, things have come up, and some of the things that have come up are BDSM and dominant/submissive relationships.
Now, this person has zero exposure to any of this stuff we’re talkin’ here, so to even to go there I’ve already put my foot in the First Step pool. And hey: she’s receptive. Said reception might derive from curiosity, but she’s listening. And not only is she listening, but she’s responding in her own way.
For our discussion to work she needs to keep her mind open and not run screaming from the room the moment I bring up something that might normally set off a person’s freako alarm. And, by the same token, I have to listen to her and remember that (1) some of the stuff I tell her isn’t going to resonate with her, and (2) she might have her own ideas about what makes her groove work.
And we have gotten there. We had a discussion about fetish clothing where she was very clear about the environments where said outfits would work and where they wouldn’t, and since I’m not this enormous type jerk who plays by “My Way or the Highway” rules, I not only agreed that her feelings and comfort levels were important, but I liked a number of her ideas because they touched something in me.
We both know that our ideas wouldn’t work for everyone—but they would work for us. Given the chance we’d go there in a flash, and because we’ve already established this openness we know that, in the future, we’ll be able to discuss anything that comes to mind.
And if you can discuss it, then you can act upon it.
Hear hear – it’s that communication thing again isn’t it? Discuss, open mind, but there’s something else. Talking and thinking ‘Ooh yes, I quite fancy that’ isn’t enough, there’s a huge elephant in the room and well, Raymond – it’s over to you!
Third, you gotta trust that other person.
Again, in any relationship, trust is a huge part of the deal. In a vanilla relationship you want to know that the person you’ve decided to share your life with isn’t going to do crazy shit day in and out. You want to know that they aren’t going to gamble away the house payment on their lunch hour; that they aren’t having sex with the neighbour when you’re out getting the groceries; that they aren’t going to turn into some rageaholic asshole who’s coming at you with a pair of scissors every time dinner isn’t on the table at 5:00 PM.
And you also want to know that if you ever do get to the point where they’ve got you tied up and gagged, they aren’t going to grab a X-Acto knife and carve “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn” into your body.
Not having trust in any relationship sucks, but if you are trying to move into a BDSM lifestyle if you can’t trust someone you’re going to crash and burn even faster than normal. And we don’t even need equate trust to a “My partner isn’t going to scoop out my eyes when I’m helpless” level: no, it can be something much simpler . . ..
You like anal. No, wait: you love it. You anticipate the entry; you relish the feeling of fullness; you desire your lover to either be inside you or have them enjoy placing something there, knowing good and well that you’ll spend the day obsessing over the sensual expression radiating from that part of your body. You share this idea with them; they listen and decide to go there with you. And in the end it’s all good: you’re both fulfilled and decide to do it more in the future.
*Fans self* sorry – are we talking about trust here? My mind wandered somewhat then...
This means you have to know you can trust them. You have to know that they aren’t going to come up behind you and start shoving things up your ass because they think that’s going to get you off. Sure, maybe once in a while being taken like that will give you a huge rush, but “anal eroticism” does not always equal “bent over a coffee table and having one’s ass roughly penetrated”.
It’s not just physical trust you require. Do you really need to worry that you and your significant other will be out with another couple some night—one that maybe doesn’t get into things the way you do—and suddenly your SO tells the other couple that not only do you love taking it in the ass, but right now you’re wearing a vibrating butt plug, and, hey: you wanna see how it works?
Not only is that assholery to the nth degree, but that relationship is screwed. Perhaps you’ll stay together: perhaps you won’t. Either way you’ve died a little inside, and trust for anything else is going to be hell to achieve in the future.
I’ve been on the bad end of the “I need trust” equation. There have been things I’ve wanted to try; I was able to go there . . . and my then significant other turned it back on me and twisted it into something sick. That part of me died for a very long time—25 years long enough? It’s only been lately that I could go there again, and only because I have discussed this with someone who was willing to talk, who had an open mind . . . and whom I trust more than you can imagine.
It struck me through talking to you that even though you’re a strong personality, a strong character, it just goes to show that a simple act of betraying someone’s trust can have deeper rooted effects than initially obvious. All of what we talked about works in normal Vanilla relationships too – it’s not just BDSM where communication, an open mind and absolute trust are the answer to living happily.
It all sounds complicated, doesn’t it? Sure. But what relationship isn’t? Like with everything between two consenting adults, you gotta bring it out, you gotta listen, and you gotta make sure when things do happen, one of you isn’t going to beat it down.
Okay, you have the keys. Now go forth and enjoy ‘cause life is too damn short to miss out on a good spanking.
And if all else fails, you can always live out your fantasies in our books! Thanks for popping by – all our love Raymond Frazee and Tessa Wanton xxx
Links to Raymond and Tessa.
Thank you to Raymond and Tessa for being the first of the Naughty Nights Press Authors and Family to take part in Chit Chat and All That!.
Next week we will be having Dawne Prochilo and Ken Charles chatting about what Vanilla sex means in the 21st Century.
So until then we wish you all a wicked and naughty week!